Friday, January 14, 2011

New Thoughts

I just cannot bring myself to post one more time on my fasting blogpost. To summarize- I used to be thin. I used to be able to eat anything that I wanted to. I could get out of speeding tickets. Men were attracted to me. I could show horses and look good in breeches. I was a cheerleader. My family was alive and while we had our issues I could go home for the holidays. I had a job that I loved and a home that I was proud of.

Fast forward to now.....To summarize- I have none of these things anymore. But that is just the way that life works. Life changes and sometimes you can control it and sometimes you cannot. Life changes for all of us and we can deal with it or not.

For the past several years I have not dealt with it very well. I have appeared to take most of it in stride- but inside I was dying a bit every single day. And eventually the dead Laura took over the old Laurie and finally I just did not see how things were ever going to work out.

There are a lot of things that I still cannot control. My family is gone now and there is nothing that I can do about that. I will probably never get out of a speeding ticket again- but then I drive really slow now so I guess I have figured out how to control that. I work hard at my job and while it is not as much fun as my old job it pays the bills and I am grateful to have it and proud to do it the best that I can. I will never again be able to eat anything that I want...Well...I can- but the results are not very good. I do not know if I really care if men are attracted to me anymore- at my age that ship may have sailed no matter what- but I do know that I am ready to be a healthy weight for a lot of different reasons.

I am 12 days into the Daniel Fast. It ends at 21 days and I am only going to add a few things back in to my diet. Healthy eating needs to become my lifestyle for a lot of reasons and I need to find an eating program that gives me the chance to lose weight and that I feel I can live with for a lifetime. I think that I am now on my way.

I went on a binge during the holidays. 2009 was the first Christmas since I had lost both my parents and my younger brother and I think that I was still in a bit of shock that everyone was gone but me. But this year it really hit home. I did not want Kaity to know how I was feeling so I hid it really well by celebrating with her, putting up the tree and the decorations and pretending that everything was fine. But I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate.

Thankfully our church was starting this fast right after the first of the year. It has afforded me to getting back on track. And I feel a lot better today than I did 13 days ago. Imagine- just 12 days of healthy eating and you can actually feel physically better.

It is funny- just the other day I was looking at myself in the mirror and it was as if I was looking at a stranger. It was a shock to see what I have allowed to let myself deteriorate to over these years. I would never ever ever have expected that I would become this person physically. How could this be?

But I can fix this. It will take a long time- but it took a longer time to get here. A year from now I hope to look into the mirror and once again recognize the person looking back.

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