Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What stops me?

I wish that I could figure out what stops me from taking care of myself. I take care of Kaity, the dogs, the horses, people around me and sometimes complete strangers. But something stops me from feeling as though I deserve to be cared for.
Several people have told me that I helped inspire them to get healthier and lose weight. I am thrilled for them- and still cannot figure out what stops me.
I wish I knew how to inspire myself.
I know that I felt better when I was writing. Then I got busy and stopped. And then I stopped eating healthy when I got busy. And then I decided that there was nothing to write about. What do I say when I am failing at the very thing that caused me to start writing this blog in the first place?
Hi- This is Laurie.....spent another day killing myself.......

Because I have to face that this is what I am slowly doing. Maybe not physically (but probably so) but certainly emotionally. Another day of not riding my horse. Another day of not wearing the clothes that I want to. Another day of not being able to run alongside my dogs. Another day of feeling sad.

So once again I write. It seems as though when I see the words on the screen that they have a bit more impact than when I am thinking them to myself.

Doesn't help that I seem to have come down with a bug yesterday. Nothing is staying down and I felt sorry for myself because I still had to go to work. Of course- this could be a good jump start to healthy eating since all of the junk food is sure out of my system by now.....;

And where is everyone who was supposed to keep me accountable for how I was doing? I started blogging and told people to be brutal to me. But everyone has been so kind. I know that they feel that I need to work through these things on my own and they are perhaps right. But since I have never felt terribly supported in my life maybe a bit of tough love is what I need.

Lots of things have happened since I posted last. Our local freestyle group has started to pick up. We have a big event planned for next spring/ We added a new puppy to the family (I know....... but I just could not resist- wait until you see the pictures and you will understand). Kaity and I had a great Halloween together at Remington Park. I had a WONDERFUL time in Oregon with my friends. And standing on the beach? Just standing on and Oregon beach gives me peace. I know that I need to do that once a year no matter what. My Mom and Dad and Grandparents all have their ashes scattered on that beach. And just standing there for an hour or so looking out at the water gives me a sense of being all filled up.

And next month I attend a seminar with my dogs and friends here in Oklahoma City. I get to get away for a weekend from everything and just be with friends and dogs. I will be learning from the best freestyler in the world. Looking forward to that. Then next March is our event, April we go up to Denver to compete and then to Tulsa in June. So I have a busy few months coming up. It would sure be nice to be healthier for these events.

Okay....time to go for now......not sure of anyone is listening anymore- but if I keep writing maybe at least I will start to listen to myself.


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