Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I lost one of my best friends this week. My dear sweet dog Buddy- who came to be with us in 2000. He was at a shelter in Los Angeles when Aussie rescue stopped in to pick up another dog to take to a foster home. I got contacted and asked if I could foster him if they pulled him. I agreed and he was transported to me Thanksgiving week that year. From the moment that he entered my life he was MY dog and would never have to look for another place to live. He dabbled in agility and freestyle and was awarded his CGC from the AKC, but the most important job he had was to be my friend. I loved him and I miss him, but it was time to let him go. I know that someday I will once again be able to look into his beautiful face and feel his head under my hand but until then I will remember him with love.

I Remember
I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying. You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today. Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
and say "Good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out... then come home to be with me.
Author unknown

What stops me?

I wish that I could figure out what stops me from taking care of myself. I take care of Kaity, the dogs, the horses, people around me and sometimes complete strangers. But something stops me from feeling as though I deserve to be cared for.
Several people have told me that I helped inspire them to get healthier and lose weight. I am thrilled for them- and still cannot figure out what stops me.
I wish I knew how to inspire myself.
I know that I felt better when I was writing. Then I got busy and stopped. And then I stopped eating healthy when I got busy. And then I decided that there was nothing to write about. What do I say when I am failing at the very thing that caused me to start writing this blog in the first place?
Hi- This is Laurie.....spent another day killing myself.......

Because I have to face that this is what I am slowly doing. Maybe not physically (but probably so) but certainly emotionally. Another day of not riding my horse. Another day of not wearing the clothes that I want to. Another day of not being able to run alongside my dogs. Another day of feeling sad.

So once again I write. It seems as though when I see the words on the screen that they have a bit more impact than when I am thinking them to myself.

Doesn't help that I seem to have come down with a bug yesterday. Nothing is staying down and I felt sorry for myself because I still had to go to work. Of course- this could be a good jump start to healthy eating since all of the junk food is sure out of my system by now.....;

And where is everyone who was supposed to keep me accountable for how I was doing? I started blogging and told people to be brutal to me. But everyone has been so kind. I know that they feel that I need to work through these things on my own and they are perhaps right. But since I have never felt terribly supported in my life maybe a bit of tough love is what I need.

Lots of things have happened since I posted last. Our local freestyle group has started to pick up. We have a big event planned for next spring/ We added a new puppy to the family (I know....... but I just could not resist- wait until you see the pictures and you will understand). Kaity and I had a great Halloween together at Remington Park. I had a WONDERFUL time in Oregon with my friends. And standing on the beach? Just standing on and Oregon beach gives me peace. I know that I need to do that once a year no matter what. My Mom and Dad and Grandparents all have their ashes scattered on that beach. And just standing there for an hour or so looking out at the water gives me a sense of being all filled up.

And next month I attend a seminar with my dogs and friends here in Oklahoma City. I get to get away for a weekend from everything and just be with friends and dogs. I will be learning from the best freestyler in the world. Looking forward to that. Then next March is our event, April we go up to Denver to compete and then to Tulsa in June. So I have a busy few months coming up. It would sure be nice to be healthier for these events.

Okay....time to go for now......not sure of anyone is listening anymore- but if I keep writing maybe at least I will start to listen to myself.