Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Weekend Away

When I started this weight loss journey I set three future goals for myself each one month apart. It just worked out that I had three engagements coming up that fell right into that time frame and I knew that these short term goals would help keep me on track and accountable (that and posting weekly photos and weight REALLY helps too).
I do know that it has taken me 15 years to put on this weight and that it will take some time to get it off. I know that sure and steady is better than crash diets. I know that I need to view it as a healthy lifestyle choice instead of a diet or a weight loss journey. But the bottom line is that I spent 15 years trying to fill up every hole that I had in my heart with three things- my daughter (healthy) rescuing animals ( sometimes healthy) and eating (really really unhealthy).
I am a person who likes immediate gratification.
I like to paint rooms in my house because it is a quick way for a big change. I hate to tape off the trim.
I like to cook, but hate the prep work (well that and cleaning up afterwards isn't any picnic).
I like to shop for clothes but do not necessarily love them once I have them (hmmmm maybe because when you weigh what I weigh nothing every really looks good)?
I love to eat just about anything and everything- and ALWAYS feel horrible afterwards because I know that I just added another day to the time when I can feel healthy again.

So now my first 30 days has passed and I lost 12 pounds. I totally understand that a weight loss of an average 3 pounds per week is considered healthy and reasonable. But it just feels very slow to me. When I was younger I could whip that much weight (or at least close to it) off in a week's time. Now I have really worked at it- swimming three times a week and watching every mouthful that I have taken in ......and it feels as though I have the right to have more to show for my efforts.

I really wanted to actually look a little different going down to Austin this weekend. And at my weight, 12 pounds does not really make any difference looks-wise. In all reality, it may be at least a couple more months before anyone will even notice a change in me. And for someone who likes instant gratification that feels like a really long time.

But I know that this is a long journey, and it is one that I have brought on upon myself. I am the one who made the bad choices to eat what I have eaten over the past few years. Nobody forced me. I can use all kinds of excuses, but I am the one who needs to take responsibility for what i have done. And I need to really look at what made me do it. I went from a rather healthy, somewhat attractive woman to throwing away many opportunities over these years by eating and gaining weight.

I have said that I ride horses. I love to ride horses. More than that I love to train and compete with my horses. And I have always had a degree of success in doing so. Most of the times when I have shown I have fared pretty well at the end of the day. it the horses that caused me any of my issues? I don't think so....other than being pretty expensive pets and needing some of my time, they have given me some of my most peaceful moments. There is nothing quite so therapeutic as just sitting and listening to horses eat. There is a calmness that fills me when I am around them. And I do want to compete again with them. Besides the obvious ease of riding that comes from being fit and healthy there is also the fact that those white dressage breeches are about as unforgiving as anything in the world. Great incentive!

I compete with my dogs. And while I have never had even a moment of being made to feel out of place no matter what my weight is, I certainly know that by losing weight it will help me in all manners of both of my dogs sports. It will sure be a lot easier running an agility course a hundred pounds lighter. And my freestyle can only improve once I am better able to move in the ring (not to mention lots more costuming options) this is also a great motivation.

I need to be around for Kaity. I need to be there for a very long time for her because I am the only family that she knows. And so perhaps this is the best encouragement of all- to be there as a healthy strong person for many decades to come.

So what has caused me to let myself go and hide behind this much weight? I know all of the typical theories out there and while I hate to put myself in a stereotypical box, perhaps I truly am no different than many others who got to this point in my life.

I am not sure that I am ready to dig into this yet. It may be enough to know at this point that I have taken steps to get past some old wounds and become healthier emotionally. I used to think that we were a product of our past and that while we still needed to take responsibility for our lives, that we sometimes could have trouble taking the steps to really move on. I now believe that everyone has the right to take as much time as they need to move past the old hurts. And probably there are many people who are able to live full, satisfying and enriched lives even when there has been no resolution to this pain. But for me I needed to start to face them and look at what the truth was behind my previous inability to lead my life as a healthy strong woman. And I know that this will be as much of a journey as the weight loss. But it is also one that I will take one step, one day and one goal at a time.

Thank you again my friends....your support, encouragement and kind words are a blessing and an inspiration to me.

Laura....down a total of 12 pounds in a month weighting 272

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