When I started this blog I planned to use it- at least in part- as my own private indulgent therapy. A place where I could talk about how I got to this point in my life and hopefully learn some answers about how to fix things along the way. I had decided that I would say anything that came to mind, regardless of how I thought it might sound or how it made others feel. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself for a number of reasons and wanted a little validation from others that I have every right to feel this way.
Then I began telling people about the blog. And I thought to myself that this was good.....more understanding from others when they read about what life has been like these past years. I will get a few attaboys from people, play a bit of a sympathy card and when it is all said and done perhaps I will feel as though the cathartic experience had helped to heal me in many ways.
But you know what happened? All of my old stuff came up about wanting people to like me no matter what the cost was to myself. I have lived my life terrified of rejection in any form- family, friends, men, work, animals....you name it. I would do almost anything to feel a part of a group or society. And so all of a sudden I felt that I needed to be careful about what I said in this blog so as not to hurt anyone.
For a moment I was sorry that I had even shared anything about this blog in the first place. I thought that perhaps I should have kept it a secret and written it anonymously.
But then the strangest thing happened. I started getting emails from people supporting my efforts at losing weight. Some people shared their own struggles, both successfully and as failed tries. I realized that maybe the way that I felt at times was really no different than many others feel every day. Maybe I wasn't so different after all.
I discovered that I did not have to play out the old struggles and pain to get well. That while for some the process of reliving the past may help them come to terms with the present, that this was not the path that I wanted to take. I felt forgiveness for so many things. I know that life is too short for me to dwell any longer with what has happened or for what might have been. It is time to move on.
And without realizing it, these people gave me another gift in a very special way. As I came to the realization that it was time to look only ahead, I knew that there was something else that I desperately wanted to do. Because while I have felt sorry for myself because my immediate family has passed on, I do have some family members that are very much alive. I have an amazing Aunt out in California. She was wonderful to me when I first moved to Southern California back in the mid 70's. And growing up I spent time with my cousin Jack both at our farm in Oregon and again down in California during family holidays. I was not even sure how I could find them. But I decided to try. Even though I was not sure how my getting in touch wit them after all of these years would be received, I felt that for the first time I needed to make the effort.
I tracked down my Aunt via whitepages and called her. I was so nervous and scared. I know that it sounds odd to hear someone say that they are afraid to talk to their own relative, but I carry a lot of baggage about this subject.
And I could not be more pleased with the outcome. We talked to for quite a while and then reconnected thru facebook. In addition my cousin and his wife Linda also contacted me to express their pleasure that I had called. I went to bed that night happier than I have been in so very long.
Oh yeah....and my weight loss? Well.........I have stayed the course through the week and also swam a few times. Today on my weigh in day I am down three pounds for the week, Not exactly earth shattering weight loss, but I feel good and as long as the scale keeps going this direction I will eventually get where I hope to be.
So it has been a wonderful week.....I lost three pounds; but more importantly, I gained a family.
Thank you for your support- it means everything.
Laura....down three more to 275 today.