Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Win a few, lose a few......

When I started this blog I planned to use it- at least in part- as my own private indulgent therapy. A place where I could talk about how I got to this point in my life and hopefully learn some answers about how to fix things along the way. I had decided that I would say anything that came to mind, regardless of how I thought it might sound or how it made others feel. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself for a number of reasons and wanted a little validation from others that I have every right to feel this way.
Then I began telling people about the blog. And I thought to myself that this was good.....more understanding from others when they read about what life has been like these past years. I will get a few attaboys from people, play a bit of a sympathy card and when it is all said and done perhaps I will feel as though the cathartic experience had helped to heal me in many ways.
But you know what happened? All of my old stuff came up about wanting people to like me no matter what the cost was to myself. I have lived my life terrified of rejection in any form- family, friends, men, work, animals....you name it. I would do almost anything to feel a part of a group or society. And so all of a sudden I felt that I needed to be careful about what I said in this blog so as not to hurt anyone.
For a moment I was sorry that I had even shared anything about this blog in the first place. I thought that perhaps I should have kept it a secret and written it anonymously.
But then the strangest thing happened. I started getting emails from people supporting my efforts at losing weight. Some people shared their own struggles, both successfully and as failed tries. I realized that maybe the way that I felt at times was really no different than many others feel every day. Maybe I wasn't so different after all.
I discovered that I did not have to play out the old struggles and pain to get well. That while for some the process of reliving the past may help them come to terms with the present, that this was not the path that I wanted to take. I felt forgiveness for so many things. I know that life is too short for me to dwell any longer with what has happened or for what might have been. It is time to move on.
And without realizing it, these people gave me another gift in a very special way. As I came to the realization that it was time to look only ahead, I knew that there was something else that I desperately wanted to do. Because while I have felt sorry for myself because my immediate family has passed on, I do have some family members that are very much alive. I have an amazing Aunt out in California. She was wonderful to me when I first moved to Southern California back in the mid 70's. And growing up I spent time with my cousin Jack both at our farm in Oregon and again down in California during family holidays. I was not even sure how I could find them. But I decided to try. Even though I was not sure how my getting in touch wit them after all of these years would be received, I felt that for the first time I needed to make the effort.
I tracked down my Aunt via whitepages and called her. I was so nervous and scared. I know that it sounds odd to hear someone say that they are afraid to talk to their own relative, but I carry a lot of baggage about this subject.
And I could not be more pleased with the outcome. We talked to for quite a while and then reconnected thru facebook. In addition my cousin and his wife Linda also contacted me to express their pleasure that I had called. I went to bed that night happier than I have been in so very long.

Oh yeah....and my weight loss? Well.........I have stayed the course through the week and also swam a few times. Today on my weigh in day I am down three pounds for the week, Not exactly earth shattering weight loss, but I feel good and as long as the scale keeps going this direction I will eventually get where I hope to be.

So it has been a wonderful week.....I lost three pounds; but more importantly, I gained a family.

Thank you for your support- it means everything.

Laura....down three more to 275 today.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

It's the little things that count......

Every Saturday morning on my way home from work (about 7 am during non-breeding season at the clinic) I stop and do some grocery shopping. This morning I went in to the McDonalds inside the store to get my normal diet drink and the cashier asked me what I was doing to lose weight.
No mind you, I have only lost six pounds and on me six pounds is like....how should I put this......it is like me taking a bucket out to Lake Union in Washington, taking a pailful out and saying 'look I'm emptying the lake'.....however I must at least look somewhat healthier for her to notice.
So I thanked her profusely- I will take praise anytime!

Watching the Tevis Cup closely on the web cast. Tevis is considered the granddaddy of all equine endurance races. 100 miles in 24 hours over some of the toughest terrain you can imagine. One of my dear friends Jill Carr is riding in it. Jill has lost well over 100 pounds in the past few years and gone from not being able to ride comfortably at all to being a premiere endurance rider with her trusty mule Walker. The Tevis has been on her bucket list for awhile now and I feel like I am riding each mile with her. Jill is an inspiration to me and I hope that she knows that.

A high school classmate wrote to me this week to share his journey with health and weight loss. He said some wonderful things and it meant a great deal to me. Everyone needs all of the praise and support that they can get in this world and I sure appreciate all that I am being given!

Heading off to train the dogs this afternoon and then home for dinner and an early bedtime. I switched my schedule around a bit so that I could run agility next weekend and then forgot and agreed to work for a friend of mine tomorrow night. No weekend for me.......

Added some good simple carbs this week. That really low card idea was not a great one for me. So I have added some more vegetables and cherries/blueberries to the diet. Swam again yesterday and it was as wonderful as the day before. I do love the water......indoors warm pool water......

Off to train dogs....thank you for reading this and all of your thoughtful encouragement.

Laura

Friday, July 23, 2010

Kaity Belle

Ever since I started getting back in touch with old friends via facebook (I LOVE facebook) a few people have privately emailed me to ask about my daughter Kaity. Some have been afraid to ask, some say that they want to know how she is doing but are afraid to ask and some people have said that they just have never known what to say or if I want to talk about her so they avoid the subject.
So in this blog I am going to talk about Kaity. First and foremost I want to say that she is easily the best thing that has ever come in to my life. There are days that I am amazed that I have been given the gift of this child. She is everything to me.

Now, that being said, here is part of the story of Kaity. I have told bits and pieces to people and some people have been around for part of it, but nobody has been there for all of it except for me.

Some parts are not worth talking about even now. Suffice it to say that for many years when Jack and I were married I tried desperately to get and stay pregnant. I loved his girls as if they were my own, but wanted my own child. And for all of those years we were unsuccessful.

But in 1992 I discovered that I was pregnant. I was thrilled. But just weeks into the pregnancy I began to miscarry and the doctor put me on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy. It was not an easy task staying quiet all of those months, but with the help of my amazing friends I made it thru the pregnancy.

On the day I was told by the doctor that I could get out of bed and get back to my life (it was the Tuesday after Memorial Day and I was far enough along in the pregnancy for it to be considered safe) I came home and tacked up my big eventing mare Zoom. Then a group of us went out on a ride around the back roads of our neighborhood. Zoom was an amazingly quiet mare and I felt really safe. And it felt so good to be on the back of a horse again after all of those months. We returned to the barn after a couple of hours and by late that afternoon my water had broken and I was up at the hospital.

Kaity was born late Wednesday afternoon (yeah....do the math....24 brutal hours later)...and form the beginning it appeared that something might be wrong. She did not cry, open her eyes or try to eat the way the other babies did. The nurses tried to assure me that she was fine, just a little behind the curve due to the bad delivery situation. But hours went by and Kaity did not get better. Thursday they released me from the hospital but said that they would keep her there until she began to do a bit better. This was a rather small community hospital in the California Sierras. I spent the night with her Thursday and about 3 AM the nurse came in to ask why I had not tried to get any sleep yet. I answered that I was watching Kaity, because I felt that she was dying and I wanted to make sure I could call for help when it was time. The nurse told me that I needed sleep and promised to keep her up at the nurse's station of I would close my eyes for awhile.

The next thing I remember was waking up a few hours later and finding the nurses on the phones at the station trying to reach a different doctor to take a look at Kaity. They agreed that something was very wrong. My friends Jo and Larry came to sit with me and after she was examined I remember the doctor putting his stethoscope away and sitting down next to me and taking my hand in his. I can tell you for a fact- it is NEVER good when the doctor wants to hold your hand. Get up and run out of the room and do not look back.

He told me that Kaity had an obvious serious heart defect and she needed to go to the University hospital immediately. They tried to arrange for LifeFlight but there had been an accident and the helicopter was tied up. So LifeFlight sent an ambulance van to come and get her.

In the meantime I wanted to talk to my mom. I knew she worked for Sprint as an Adminstrative Assistant but did not know how to reach her up in Oregon. I called Sprint at the general number and told the person who answered what was happening. This kind woman promised me that she would find out where my mom worked and would make sure that she got the message. Within the hour my mom called and I told her what was going on. She asked me to keep them informed and I said that I would.

The next person that I saw was a woman from an organization called WeeCare. One of the functions of this group was to council the parents of critically ill children when they were headed down to the University. She wanted to prepare me for what I was going to see. She said that I could be as involved as I wanted, or could let doctors and nurses do everything. She said that there would be times it would be hard to watch and that if I got upset I would be asked to leave the room and would no longer be allowed to be with Kaity during procedures.

By now the van had arrived to transport us the hour and a half down to the hospital. I remember so clearly that Friday afternoon that it was raining. As we drove down we passed the very farm where I lived and I could see the horses in the pasture. I remember seeing my black and white paint mare grazing. She was a gentle mare and the kids loved riding her. I wondered if Kaity would ever get to ride a horse.

When we arrived at the hospital it was a pandemonium. We had to go through the emergency room entrance and it was packed with people. The EMT's were pushing Kaity in a isolette and it seemed as we pushed through people that everyone was getting quiet. I guess the sight of a critical baby puts a lot of things into perspective.

Now this is a weird thing to remember.....but it is something that has always stayed with me...... as we rounded the corner out of the ER there was a police officer standing with a guy in handcuffs that had blood all over his face. I was right behind the isolette and as I passed the man he reached out and grabbed my arm. Before the officer could stop him he looked me in the eye and said 'Good Luck'. I have no idea what that man had done to find himself bloodied and in handcuffs in an ER on the summer Friday but I will never forget what he did for me.

By that evening, friends had brought up clothes for me and I had been given a room at the Kiwannis House (a version of a Ronald McDonald house). Test after test was being run and we still did not have any answers. By now, several of my friends were at the hospital with me. I do not know what I would have done without these people in my life.

Finally a doctor was ready to give me information. We sat in a hallway outside of the critical care unit. I was with a few friends and after the doctor told me that Kaity had an extremely large VSD (hole in the upper chamber of her heart) and multiple ASDs (holes in the lower chamber) plus PDA (a valve that had not closed like it should at birth) he asked me if I had any questions. I remember my friend Jo saying to the doctor that while were being given information, nobody had told me that 'this baby is going to be alright, this baby is going to live'. That was when the doctor said that he could not tell me that because it was not likely that she would.

You know....I have heard about woman in the 'old days' getting the 'vapors' and fainting.....but nothing like that has ever happened to me. But as I heard the doctor's words I heard a roaring in my ears, a great flash of heat come over me, a tinny taste in my mouth and everything was just a bright white light. I remember thinking very clearly that I could not faint no matter what or else they would think that I could not handle information and I would not be able to stay with her during tests. And slowly the air got cool, the roaring stopped and I was able to see and hear the doctor again. My friends said that they saw me turn pure white but it passed so quickly that that it looked like I was okay. To this day I know how closely I came to fainting dead away when I heard that doctor's words.

Then they took me into a room with a white board and drew out everything that was going on and talked to me about protocol for open heart surgery. Kaity needed to be much stronger before she could have surgery but they wanted to tell me about it ahead of time. They said she would be staying in the hospital for several weeks or months and then we would do the first of two or three surgeries.

At this point the doctor asked me if I had any questions. I said that the only question I had was that I wanted to know how this happened. I had been so good during my entire pregnancy. Ate extremely healthy, not even a glass of wine, I had never been a smoker or a drug user. I never even took an aspirin or colored my hair during my pregnancy. I was much thinner and more active back then and I had gained exactly the amount of weight that the doctor asked me to. He said that they had no way to tell how something like his happened. That most babies with this number of problems would not carry to term and it was only because of how careful I had been that she had been born at all. Then he said that while he could give me all kinds of medical answers to my question that he had an answer that I could accept or not.

He said that she was this way just because this was the way that she was. And that God had given her to me because he knew that I would take care of her.

That was enough of an answer for me. I have never questioned it since.

Over the course of my blog I will talk about Kaity more. And give little insights into her life as well as mine.

But here are the facts. Kaity was born with congenital heart disease which caused several abnormalities in her heart. Two open heart surgeries have fixed most of them. She still has mitral valve prolapse but hopefully she will not have to have any other surgery to correct that.
She was also born without a functioning thyroid gland. This in conjunction with her heart problems and the medication needed for each of these may be the cause of her mental disability. Kaity is mentally retarded with an IQ 0f 39 the last time she was tested (lower than 79 is considered legally mentally challenged). It is a horrible thing the first time you hear a doctor or teacher refer to your child as mentally retarded and it never gets any easier. To me the nastiest word in the English language is 'retarded or retard' when it is used to describe a person.

Some people have asked me if I ever want to talk about it. How does a parent feel when people ask about their mentally disabled child? Does it hurt or help? Well here are the unfortunate facts. Some days I want to talk about it.....some days I do not..... It all seems to stem from where I am in my life on that given day. If life seems good and things are fine then I do not mind talking about it at all. But if I have had a tough night at work and spent the morning on the phone with someone that needs to ask me questions to see if Kaity is still eligible for special ed- lovely questions like 'has your child gotten better since last year'..... and 'what are the expectations for her recovery'? Well.....on those days I do not want to think about it. And there is no way to know where I am at on a given day unless you ask. And you can always ask. It lets me know that you care.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. And I have counted on that village many times these past 17 years. I do not know what I would have done without my best friends Lisa who has been a wonderful 'Aunt' to Kaity. Her family has been like our family, and while my biological family may have passed away my friends have always been there to let me know that I am not alone.

So.....not a fun blog day....not a introspective blog day....but an important blog day.

And now I will take my nap before I go back to work.

Thanks for listening my friends.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Swimmingly!

I spent the night at work taking care of a baby foal with an eye infection. She was just weaned to come to the clinic and her poor eye is terrible. She has a device that allows us to administer medication around the clock over her eye as a flush without having to actually touch anywhere near her eye. After each treatment we flush the tube with air to send the meds thru and over her eye. It does not hurt at all but probably feels very weird (even tho we do it very slowly). Poor little girl knows now when we are going to do it and is not very happy with us. But I spent a lot of extra time playing being in her stall last night so that she would believe that people are better than what we have shown so far. She loved being scratched.

By the time I got done with morning treatments I was pretty whipped....but went over to the Y on the way home and swam for thirty minutes for the first time in almost a year. It was WONDERFUL! I forgot how much I really love being in the water. Now understand that I am not out there doing the crawl for thirty minutes in the lap pool. I am in the deep end just jogging in the water. But it feels like I have stretched each and every muscle out carefully by the time that I am done. I'm not even sure how much exercise it really is (although it does raise my heart rate slightly for thirty minutes) but it certainly makes me feel good all over!

Came home to find out the mini had squeezed out of the pasture (where he lives with HIS mare Splashy) and was in my yard with Gussy. Gus is allowed in my yard around the house and he can go down the driveway to his little barn. I love his little barn. It is just three stalls shedrow style with the middle one open for grooming. He also has a small paddock off of his stall for when he does not have 'yard privileges' The mini was spending his time running over to the gate he had squeezed thru and pacing because he could not figure out how to get back in to Splashy and then turning and charging across the yard like an angry Thelwell pony to wheel around and kick Gussy for even looking at him. Gus was just standing there. The mini weighs about 100 pounds soaking wet so I guess he does not pack much of a punch. Poor Gussy. I stuffed said mini back in with Splash and apologized to Gus.

Gus's full name is Augustus McCrae. I got him last year at the beginning of July. My younger brother had just passed away from cancer and I was feeling pretty sad. I wanted to save something since no matter how hard I prayed I could not save him, or my mom or my dad. Cancer is a bitch. I saw Gussy while I was over looking at a different horse. He was skin and bones and just seemed to be so defeated by life. I rode him, and let me tell you- if I climb on a horse that I am looking at, it is probably coming home with me. I do not bother to take up the seller's time unless I am sure. But I really felt that I was doing this more to be polite since the seller had already tacked him up. The seller had climbed on him and galloped a couple of times around the field. Big bit, tight tie down and a saddle that was so ill fitting that it hurt me to look at it. The gullet was just pressing down on poor Gus's withers even when nobody was in the saddle. And since his backbone stuck up I could only imagine how much pain he was in. The seller said that his teenage son and girlfriend rode Gus the three or so miles up to the convenience store on a regular basis and that Gus could go pretty fast the entire way. My friend Lisa was with me and as we left afterwards we remarked that since there was no shoulder on the road it was pretty apparent that Gus had to run right on the pavement itself for these journeys.
We stopped to get some lunch and I decided to call the seller back and tell him I would take him. So Gus came home a couple of days later. In addition to being the skinniest horse to ever step foot on our farm, his hair was brittle and dry, he was afraid of people and he did not know how to eat anything treat wise. I bathed him a couple of times, clipped him and put a flysheet and mask on him. Gussy was styling. I had planned to lose weight back then and start riding him right away. I knew that it would take a while for him to gain weight and for his sore back to heal, but I did not lose the weight. I still rode him several times over the fall and winter and while he knows nothing and is really nervous (just waiting for that spur to stick him I guess)I enjoyed our rides. Slowly he learned that he was just wearing a little rubber snaffle bit and that there was not a tie down and that my shoes do not have spurs on them. And he learned to trust and love me on the ground. Now Gussy comes when he is called and follows me all over the place. I love him fiercely. And have vowed to not ride him again until I lose the first 50 pounds.

Flag-puppy is doing wonderfully. Nothing like having a puppy around. I am using the Bobbi Anderson 'Building Blocks for Performance' book as my guide since I have never had the chance to raise a puppy for competition before and want to try and be as successful as possible. Bobbi is a trainer from Oregon who has wonderful dogs so I am following her program and ideas pretty closely with some modifications for a freestyle dog. I have crates all over the house and so Flag is always in the same room that I am in. He is allowed play time with a few dogs at a time a couple of times a day and I play with him outside several times a day. He gets rewards just for wanting to be with me. He is also getting pretty good at spinning each direction, likes to stand on his round platform with his front feet and is getting brave about weaving between my feet. I make sure that this is all the best game in the world. Not bad for a ten week old puppy! I do not care at this point about regular behaviors like sit and down because I do not use them as much in freestyle.....so they will come later after we have the other stuff nice and solid.

Well....most people would probably think that this post was all about everything other than me. But you know what? Everything that I wrote today really is about me. It is about some of the things that I love.......

Thank you again for your amazing words of support and encouragement. I could not be on this journey without my friends. I love you guys.

Laura......278 this week

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A decent start

So I weighed in tonight when I got to work. My weight tonight is 278 pounds. So that is not too bad for the first week. I lost about 6 pounds. I know that the first week is generally the highest weight loss......so I was kind of hoping for a couple more, but right now I am small bag of potatoes smaller than I was a week ago so I'll take it.

I have not put anything in my mouth this week that was bad for me, and for that I am grateful. Got really hungry today grocery shopping with Kaity and could not bring myself to eat tuna while she ate a regular lunch, so we went to Taco Bell. I ordered three tacos without the shells and it was wonderful.

Joined the Y today and I will start swimming a few times a week tomorrow morning. I have my little swim bag packed in the truck so that I can stop on the way home.

Well since I yacked so much earlier I think that I will sign off now. Thank you again for your support.

Laura.......278 pounds today

Weighing In

I weigh in tonight....but I just finished posting this week's photo update on my facebook account for the world to see. It was really painful.It is one thing to tell people you have a huge amount of weight to lose- it is another to show people what you have done to yourself over the years.
But I have to say that the support that I have received from people is amazing....and very heartwarming. Some have contacted me to talk about the weight loss journey that they too are undertaking, some just to offer encouragement. All is so appreciated.
I went in to the local Y today and rejoined. I need to be able to get in there at least 2-3 times per week to swim. I love being in the pool. In this blistering heat I cannot bring myself to even walk outside except to take care of horses and do my job. It is just too exhausting.
Still have the dresses hanging in my bedroom to look at daily. I cannot wait until I can fit into them and (more importantly) feel good about wearing them. I know that my journey is a long one....after all, it took me about 12 years to get here......
and that it will always be ongoing, but I welcome each day that I can learn and grow.
One of the discouraging thing about being at this high of a weight is that even when you lose a tremendous amount of weight, you still have a tremendous amount to lose. That is probably the hardest past for me. I remember about 11-12 years ago when I realized that I was up to 220 and I was ashamed and appalled that I had allowed that to happen. I wanted to hide in the house. Now even after I lose my first 50 pounds I will still be heavier than that.....which is very sad.

But I can live with it. I did this to myself and I will fix what I did.

I have too many dogs to run and horses to ride to do otherwise......

Thank you so much for following me and making me feel supported.

Laura....who will know her (hopefully)new weight in a few hours

Monday, July 19, 2010

a new day

So tomorrow is my weigh in day. I will weigh in at the vet clinic where I work because we have an amazing scale that we weight the new born foals with. It goes clear out to a hundredth of a pound. So it should be accurate enough for me....... :)
The carb cravings seem to have lessened. Actually the desire for food seems to have lessened. There is nothing on a low carb diet that I actually really like- so the act of eating will not be very pleasurable for awhile. I am eating a couple of tomatoes each day- which I really do love, but they are not technically very low carb. But what's a girl to do?
I have this interesting feeling that I might actually be on my way to sticking to this diet this time until the weight comes off. I know that people say the toughest part is keeping it off. But when you have this much to lose, that theory seems amazing. Losing it in the first place seems to be almost insurmountable and I feel that if I get it off that there is no possible way I would ever allow this lifestyle to take me back over.
I have done a couple of things to help inspire me in this journey (along with telling each and every one of my public facebook friends).....I have hung a couple of slinky wonderful dresses up in my room that I cannot help but look at when I am in there. I LOVE clothes....and cannot wait to get to wear fun stuff again.
I have also set some smaller goals time wise. Since I am going to Austin next month to teach a dog training seminar I have already given myself advance permission to drink margaritas and eat chips and guacamole while I am there. I could LIVE on chips on guac/salsa.......and the idea of sitting on a patio with good friends....and my dogs (many places in Austin allow dogs).....and wearing something fun is very appealing.
Then the following month I am judging a dog event in Norman, Oklahoma for a weekend. My Austin friends will be coming up and other dog friends that I do not get to see very often (or at least not often enough). So I will enjoy getting to wear something nice and be somewhat thinner. Oh yeah.....and I get to dress like a pirate that weekend.
I would like to be a thinner pirate.
I have an old friend who is currently in rehab. He has made it 30 days now. He is changing his life. What an inspiration. I realized that I have put him on my prayer list each week at church.....but never put myself on the list. So yesterday I added my own name and asked for prayers as I travel on this journey towards health and happiness. It felt empowering to ask for God's help. I was afraid that it would feel selfish, but it did not.

I ask God to allow me to have the power to lose this weight in a healthy manner. To be able to run agility dogs, ride my horses, play with my daughter, wear pretty clothes, feel good wen I look in the mirror, anticipate with happiness running into old friends, dance with my dogs, perform on a stage, grow old as a mom, grow old as a friend and look at life with renewed anticipation. I need His help- I know that I cannot do it alone.....

I think that this time it really is going to happen.

Laura....unknown weight today

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Five Days and Counting

Made it through the weekend. We had a barbecue at church today and it was pretty tough- but since I am eating low carb I just ate two of the hot dogs without the buns. Came home and talked to a couple of close friends on the phone. Also I reconnected with an old friend on facebook. So all in all it was a pretty wonderful day.
This one is short- but I am tired and more than a bit hungry so I want to get to sleep before I head for the refrigerator.......
Joining the Y this week so that I can start swimming again.
Weigh in and photo for facebook day after tomorrow. I am not sure that it is not just wistful thinking- but I feel thinner and more alive than a week ago.....
Bye for now.....

Friday, July 16, 2010

Good news I guess

So the good news is that my math was terrible yesterday when I decided that I had 160 pounds to lose. That is actually my goal weight. So I have 125 pounds to lose. Still a tremendous amount....but better than the 160 that I had written earlier.
Today is the third day of the diet. I have been going thru pretty tough carbohydrate withdrawals today. But I am hanging in there. I posted to my facebook friends that I am officially on a diet and that I will check in every week with a new photo. I hope that this accountability will help keep me motivated and on track.
When I got off work this morning (I work an over night shift three days per week)I went home and fed horses, played with puppy and dogs and went to sleep for a while.
I know that I need to take care of myself better in order to complete this journey successfully. I told my daughter that she needed to let me sleep after I have been working all night.
Fridays are tough just because I work all night Thursday and then again on Friday. Usually I am not able to sleep during the day but now I am going to force myself to try. If I am sleeping I cannot be eating.
In each of my daily blogs I am going to talk about a personal issue that I feel has gotten into the way of my progress as a healthy person.
Today it is the loss of both of my parents, my younger brother and a very dear friend to cancer. They all smoked and I used to try and convince each and every one of them to stop. My friend tried and at times was successful for short periods of time. My family never tried. I miss them all and I hate the disease.
I used to be so angry that they would not quit even when they were dying because of it. But look at me. In the past 15 years I have gained over 100 pounds and I cannot seem to control my eating habits (up until three days ago)any more than they could quit. SO who am I to cast blame?
Writing this down helps. I find myself less angry even as I read the words that I knew but hate to say.Who knows? Maybe this process is what I have been searching for.
Today I take the really scary step of posting my weight each time I blog........

Laura....284 pounds today

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Starting Somewhere

Since I am not sure where I need to start in order to be successful in this journey I guess I will just start.
I have 160 pounds to lose. I started yesterday. I have lost 1/2 pound. I guess that means I have 159 1/2 to lose- but the way I go up and down I may have put that 1/2 pound back on already.

I have four dogs that need training. I actually have 13 dogs- but 9 of them are old enough that they just want to lay around and sleep. So I have four that I need to be able to schedule individual time for training agility, rally, obedience and freestyle.

I have five horses. They ALL need training time. Not sure how I can do that at my age- but I will figure something out. None really care about being trained- they like grazing together in the pasture. But they really should have some sort of job.

I have a teenage daughter. Kaity just turned 17. She is mentally disabled and has some pretty strong health issues. She is easily the most important and best part of my life.

I have five cats. They know how to catch mice, use the litter box, eat and enjoy being held and petted. None of them need any further training.

One of my dogs TillyBelle has many freestyle titles. I want to finish her Championships in three different divisions. She likes agility better and has her first agility competition July 31-Aug 1. She is not really ready to win- but I know she will have fun going. I need to lose a lot of weight before I will be able to run fast enough to be successful in agility. I need to lose at least 100 pounds to feel comfortable running again. 99 1/2 to go.

We have a new puppy named Flag. I rescued him on the 4th of July out of a barrel in a guy's back yard. He cost me $25. He now is very active and has very sharp teeth. I have not had a puppy in almost a decade. I mostly rescue adult dogs. Right now he is asleep in his crate. I know that he is just storing up energy to tear something else up.

I have a Poodle named Twist. I got him at Petsmart. He is very smart and very energetic. He had been a stray for many months as he avoided capture. He is still very good at keep away which is bad for dog sports. We are still working on it. My goal from him would just be to feel that he had a reliable recall and safe at competitions. May never happen- but we keep working at it.

I have a horse named Gussy that I rescued a year ago. He was just so defeated and skinny that I could not leave him where he was. Gussy was very afraid of people back then. Now he loves me and I enjoy just watching him eat. I want to be able to ride him and feel comfortable. I need to lose 50 pounds before I am willing to even get on him. 49 1/2 to go.....

I know that it will be a very long road to recovery. I know that I am really buried deep deep inside of me. I am not completely sure that I can even find where I buried myself. But I am willing to start digging.